Mom life is the hardest life

“Kayla, he’s turning blue”

Words no mom is really pumped about hearing..

We had just had the BEST day at the aquarium a few weeks ago and we were stopping at Grammys for Sunday dinner. It was one of those days where I was actually REALLY enjoying my kids so I should have known something effed up would happened. Carter had been acting tired at dinner but nothing out of the ordinary considering he didn’t nap very well earlier that day. He ate some dinner but really just wanted to be held so I cleaned him up and handed him off to my dad who took him outside for a few minutes because that’s Carter’s favorite activity in the entire world… being outside. 

A few minutes later, they come back inside and Carter’s head is leaned back, almost like he’s looking up at something on the ceiling. For some reason, looking at him punched me in the stomach but I didn’t know why? I went back to playing with the wild child, Luke and brushed it off.

Another few seconds goes by when I hear my mom start freaking out *here come my tears* asking if he had eaten anything. I instinctively jumped up to meet my mom holding my limp little baby. “Kayla, he’s turning blue” she said. I asked her if he was breathing, she said yes and I ran outside to call 911, knowing he would be in good hands of the woman who has been a nurse for 25+ years #thankgodformoms. Also, thank god for my brother and sister in law who were there to care for my other toddler who would have been doing God knows what (bets on climbing up stairs or playing in the toilet bowl) if it weren’t for them taking him away to play. 

The dispatcher asked me all of the regular questions while I LITERALLY begged him to PLEASE hurry because I didn’t know what was happening. I heard commotion inside I couldn’t tell if it was because he had stopped breathing. The dispatcher kept asking me if I knew CPR and if I would be able to do it if he stopped breathing. “Yes”, I said as my mind and body totally disconnected. I no longer was mommy who was trying to figure out what the hell was happening to her baby, I was just an empty vessel trying to make it through this moment. 

I walked back inside to find my mom sitting over Carter who was starting to turn pink again slowly but was still entirely unresponsive. I leaned down to touch his face which was on fire. Febrile seizure, we both agreed. He started to come to and my mom grabbed him to console him while he tried to come out of it. I couldn’t hold him, just absolutely out of my mind. 

EMS arrived and we took a little ambulance trip to AI (children’s hospital). I was not able to stop looking at him the entire ride. He was strapped into his car seat, still looking fairly dazed until he finally started crying. He reached his little arms out to me and I felt like I could breathe again. When we got settled into our room, my sobs unleashed. Big, ugly crying that nothing in the world can stop.. you just have to get it out.

The whole thing lasted 10 minutes maybe, from him coming in looking up until the time EMS arrived but it was the longest 10 minutes of my life. I now have learned that this is fairly common but I, for the life of me, cannot understand why THIS is not a topic on the mommy pages. I mean, seriously.

I realize that there are so, so, so many more things that can happen to a baby that make this look like a cake walk, I do. Truly. But this rocked me, in a big way. I think it was because I didn’t expect it, ever. I expected to go home that night, get the boys a bath and hang up our pictures from the aquarium. It was one of those things that I had heard about once or twice but figured it wouldn’t happen to my kids.. but it did. If my kids can have seizures, what else can happen to them? It was the last day that I didn’t worry about my boys. It was the first day that I felt like I needed to keep them with me at all times because I was the only one who could keep them safe. 

It’s hard to shake but I will because that’s what having kids is. Your entire beating heart is put outside of you, free to be broken down by the world and the only thing you can do is watch and hope that your little heart can fight it off because you can’t stop the world. Bad things can and are going to happen to my babies just like they happen to anyone and I have to be ready to help them face it even when I don’t want to do it myself. 

I’m sorry for what sounds like extreme dramatics over a febrile seizure that many kids have but if you DO know someone whose baby has had one.. make sure you give them a hug. That mama also realized she can’t protect her baby from everything and that’s a hard thing to be initiated into. 

Today, Carter had his first fever since that seizure and the anxiety that came with it was physically painful. I felt like I was sitting around waiting for it to happen again. 30% of kids who have febrile seizures go on to have more which means 70% never have one again, the chances aren’t horrible that we will ever have to see this again. However, I’m in the 3% of women who have twins, 5-8% of women who get pre-eclampsia and close to the 1% of women who are 6′ or taller. That 30% chance might as well be 99.9% in my life.

Blah. Tonight, I told my mom that I didn’t think I was ready for kids. She told me she didn’t think she was either. Such is #momlife

Thanks for listening. I know I joke about the circus that is my life a LOT but sometimes, this shit is so hard and just when you think you’re rocking it, the universe gives you a febrile seizure.

In other news, Luke is literally insane guys. The NICU nurses told me I was in trouble when he was 4 lbs and boy, were they right. He runs at 100%, 100% of the time. I need all my prayer warriors to send some up for me tonight because not even the wine is handling this day! 

Wish me luck… 

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