[Edit: a version of this can also be found on scarymommy here]

I remember, right before the twins were born, reading an article on facebook about the pressure put on women to lose the baby weight at an extreme and unrealistic pace because of these assholes celebrities who come out of the hospital 3 sizes smaller than they were before they were pregnant. “Yeah, eff that!” I remember thinking, in between shoving handfuls of white cheddar popcorn into my mouth, “we shouldn’t be made to feel like on top of growing human beings and feeding them WITH OUR BODIES, sleep deprivation and walking around with poop and vom on us at any point in time, that we should have to be back in our pre-baby clothes immediately. That’s ridiculous and we should be celebrated for how strong and absolutely wonderful we are despite our weight”. Secretly, I knew I wouldn’t have to worry because like everyone said, I would probably just bounce back. Nbd. Just going to grow these humans and be back to my pre-baby self… that’s how it works, right?

Fast forward to now, my boys are 7 months old, and I’m sitting in the corner of my room, hands around my legs, rocking and whispering to myself, “it’s going to be ok, you is smart, you is kind, you is going to be ok” while I stare at a pair of pants crumbled on my floor that are 4 sizes bigger than I’ve ever bought before. Spoiler alert: they didn’t fit and were then catapulted across the room in a rage of fury. I put myself out there and bought a REAL pair of jeans, thinking that after a week of dieting and working out that I would be ready for a pair of pants that I didn’t buy in the maternity section. I was wrong and now I’m trying to pull myself together, singing Lady Antebellum’s “Need you Now”to my old pair of jeans that I doubt I could even get past my knees, remembering the days of less jiggle, less dimples and putting on something other than leggings that I can pull up to my bra to suck it all of the extra stuff happening right now #sexyandiknowit

On top of the other lies that people told me, like “kids are the greatest thing that will ever happen to you”, they also told me that if I breastfeed, I’ll lose that excess weight in ‘no time’. I’ve been breastfeeding for 7 months now so one would assume that I would be zipping up non-maternity jeans like a pro by now, right?


Science Google says that you can burn 2-300 calories (or more) per feed which I’m assuming is a bit higher for me since I’m feeding two. Want to know what happens when your body uses that much energy? You want to eat. Want to know how much time I have to prepare healthy meals? None. Wouldn’t make them if I had the time because carbs soak up my tired tears better than egg whites.

I get that my body went through something amazing traumatic AF and it’s going to take me a second to get back but sometimes, it would be nice to feel like my ‘old self’ for even just a second. My hair is still falling out, my nails are brittle (again, thanks for nothing breastfeeding), I don’t have the energy to put on makeup or shave my legs anymore and I’m attached to a breastpump or child around.the.clock (by my own choosing, I get that but I’m trying to prove a point here). I’m trying to adjust to a LOT of new things and while I’ve adjusted to sleeping very little, having to adjust to a newer and bigger body that sometimes still hurts from a surgery 7 months ago, is not on the list of things I want to do.

Why did I even bother attempting jeans, you ask? I was ‘inspired’ because I recently read an article about this triplet mom who ran a marathon, PUSHING HER TRIPLETS, and broke a world record. Like, seriously? You’re telling me that people actually do shit like that? Wow. If she can run a marathon pushing 3 kids, I can definitely get my ass into some real pants.

Except, I can’t. I’m no longer inspired, just tired. But, to be fair, that’s probably because I’m in a food coma. Jimmy Fallon’s Ben & Jerry’s flavor ice cream and cheeseburgers will do that to you.

Whatever, #realpantsareforlosers anyway.

8 thoughts on “#realpantsareforlosers

  1. Tara says:

    Just found your blog after reading your post on Scary Mommy…..I have 3 month old twins and a 3 year old and can definitely commiserate:) Gave me some good laughs tonight!


  2. Kim says:

    Yes yes yes. Everything yes. My twin boys are almost 9 months old. I also have a three year old monster…uh…I mean son. I love elastic waist pants, not sleeping and living in a constant state of panic. Thank you for your blog and honesty!


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