I didn’t forget about you, blog, I’m back.
The past month has been a blur to say the least. Once Dec 1 hits, my teaching jobs slow down for the winter so I will have a little bit more time to breathe complain about my children. Let me just say though, as much as I could do without the constant political commentary on FB, I am so thankful for social media. Y’all may be sick of seeing my boys but I’m so thankful that I put pictures up 100x/week. I am rarely on my computer (where most of my pictures are stored) to sit and reminisce about how far we’ve come since the boys were born but I can go on facebook and within seconds, I’m looking back at pictures of when we first brought them home and other memories that I can barely remember at this point. Thanks, chronic sleep deprivation. It’s so hard to believe that it’s been almost 7 months since the boys vacated my body but took over my heart (awwwww). It’s also hard to believe that it’s O N L Y been 7 months. I still wish I could say things are easier but they aren’t. I would say we’re almost pros in managing it though. And while I’ve learned to manage my children (for now), I have still not gained control of my emotions.
I was unable to find a reliable source about how long ‘hormones stay elevated after birth’ in the 4 seconds I looked and I didn’t like Goggle’s answer of only 4-6 weeks (although, they did say it was the lowering of the hormones that messed with you). I’m really trying to find a valid reason for my uncontrollable crying. Calm down post partum depression watch dogs, let me finish.
I have only legitimately cried about life with babies because I was about to QUITE LITERALLY run away once. It was 2am and I was sitting in between two screaming, hungry babies and I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to rewind before kids and really cherish those moments where I could hop into bed and not worry that I would be back up within an hour. That’s all I wanted to do (weird, that’s still all I want to do) but I was fresh into the no-sleep game and scared that I would never adjust. I didn’t cry when I couldn’t figure out the stroller, I didn’t cry when Brandon told me his new hours are work were until 8:30pm (that’s called murder, not sadness), I didn’t cry when I was feeling sorry for myself (because that would be 24/7) and I didn’t cry when I realized 5 months had gone by and I still didn’t fit into my clothes (donuts are too precious to be cried on).
I did cry in front of 150 people at my brother’s wedding for a solid 90 seconds before I could give a speech. I did cry when Luke smiled at me for the first time. I did cry when Carter laughed for the first time. I did cry when I spent the first night away from the boys. I did cry on the way down to Shaunna’s wedding as I thought back on our 10 year friendship and even more when I saw HER cry as her new wifey walked down the aisle to her. I do cry every time the boys go through an obvious growth spurt. I even shed a tear when I thought my milk supply was drying up. What??
Yeah, some of those things are choked-up-moment worthy but I’m talking BIG OL BABY TEARS streaming down my cheeks crying. I take a teary eye moment and turn it into the ending of Titanic. I say ‘it’s the hormones’ in between my sobs when people look at me, telling me with their eyes to calm the eff down, as though at almost 7 months out, baby hormones are a legit excuse. Until people stop accepting it, I’ll keep using it as a reason that I am now a puddle of tears at anything that has even the SLIGHTEST emotion behind it. Oh, a video of people shaking hands? Better pass the supersized box of tissues my way.
I’ve never thought as myself as a really emotional person but I think it’s safe to officially say I now am. Gone are the days of seeing the SPCA commercials and casually changing the channel and hello to the days of Usain Bolt-ing to to the direct tv box to unplug it because I cannot risk accidently going back to that channel before the commercial is over. Gone are the days of enjoying Disney movies and hello to the days of crying before the previews even come on because we all know, a parent is about to die. Gone are the days of seeing an animal dead on the side of the road and it not ruining my whole day because I can’t stop thinking about if its mama is looking for it. Obviously, LONG gone are the days that I can sort of hold it together at a wedding or a picture of a mom holding her baby for the first time.
I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been softened (doubtful) or because EVERYTHING reminds me of my boys in someway but quite frankly, I’ve had enough of this nonsense! I’m ready to go back to my mean, soul-less self.
Ugh, who am I kidding? I better get used to this like I’d better get used to my new pant size.
Anyone else become a complete sap after their babies were born? Tell me it doesn’t last forever?!
I still need to catch you up on my #fitmom fails.. quite hilarious. Or not, depending on how you look at it. I’m finally meeting up with my trainer on Thursday again so maybe I’ll finally get it together. In the meantime, I’m about to tear up some pumpkin donuts and moscato and wait for a baby to call for me..
wish me luck…